Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Archie Gets Engaged!

Love or Money? Sex or Companionship? These are the perennial options one must weigh when considering marriage. Over the course of the last American Century, the constructs of wedded bliss have been as malleable as Silly Putty – ranging from the traditional ‘romantic’ practice of marrying one’s destined soul-mate to the shotgun weddings of economic and moral responsibilities to the sodomite unions of Pre-Prop-8 California. Marriage is a shifty bitch – a bitch that cannot be so easily defined with only one school-of-thought. But one man has finally made his choice. After 65 years, America’s favorite and most Groovy teenager, Archie Andrews, will ask Veronica Lodge to marry him! In issue #600, set to be released in August, Archie finally decides between sweet, wholesome Betty Cooper and rich vixen, Veronica Lodge – and in an outrage that makes the Iranian streets look like a doped-up love-in, Betty fans are positively bummed!

“Veronica is a spoiled, manipulative brat, with a mean streak,” – Anonymous Betty Fan

“Veronica is the gal you marry the FIRST time, later, when you want a real relationship, you marry a Betty.” - Dinana

“Veronica has always been narcissistic, selfish and vain. Betty is giving, warm and devoted.” - Dan-299885

While War, Semen & Grooviness has not taken an official stance on this monumental news – we do feel it is our responsibility to report to you the ramifications of this decision as it pertains to the Holy Trinity. How will Archie’s nuptials be influenced by the eternal elements of the Groovy Cum Bomb? Will he really go through with it and marry for money? Or will he decide at the last moment that true love is where it’s at and choose Betty? And what of the unspoken but obvious homosexual tension between him and his life long pal Jughead? War, Semen & Grooviness lays it all out for you in the only checklist you’ll ever need!

#1 – Veronica Lodge

An obvious heiress to the power of War, Veronica has consistently been a sassy bitch for over 65 years. As the daughter of Hiram Lodge, the richest man in Riverdale, Veronica is set to inherit a vast fortune and could easily secure the financial future of the perpetually broke Archie Andrews. On their wedding night, it is expected that Veronica will violently dominate the emaciated and effeminate Archie as he offers her his dusty WW2 era virginity. This chick is S&M all the way! But with her, it’s a one way street. Sorry Archie, don’t expect to become a back door man tonight! In stark contrast to her spoiled lifestyle – in the amorous realm, Veronica is eager to give but not to receive! Veronica also seems to be quite oblivious to the hurt feelings of her friend Betty Cooper – as displayed by this recent post in Veronica’s official blog on www.archiecomics.com.

I am so excited, I am getting Married to Archie. There is so much to do, so many plans to make. I wonder if Betty wants to be my Maid of Honor? I bet she is so happy for me!



#2 – Betty Cooper

Betty is one Groovy chick! (And the obvious choice for most romance-orientated Archie fans.) Betty is way keen on the Zodiac Astrology and the official Archie Comics website lists her birthday as June 29 which would make her a far-out Cancer! But under sidereal astrology she is listed as a Gemini and even one Archie story pegged her as a Libra! Woah! What’s going on there? The truth is, Betty transcends the stars; she is a cosmic country blonde who could really make Archie happy if he gave her the chance. In their most outta sight garage band, The Archies, Betty sings back up and plays the tambourine – a sure sign that she’s down with the rhythm of love! Poor Betty is reportedly very distraught over the news of Archie and Veronica’s upcoming nuptials – check out what she said on her official blog on www.archiecomics.com.

I am so sad, I don't even know what to say.

#3 – Forsythe Pendleton "Jughead" Jones III

Archie’s lifelong pal, Jughead, has been a fan favorite for almost the entire run of the Archie series. As far as friends go, he and Archie are as inseparable as peanut butter and jelly – but could there be more between them? Anyone familiar with Archie Comics knows full well of Jughead’s rank disinterest in the female gender and his pathological obsession with food. (His sheepdog is named Hot Dog!) He is thin, witty and extremely knowledgeable in an eclectic range of topics and subjects. While he hasn’t officially come out of the closet in anyway in the Archie canon – the cult of Semen feels it is warranted in surmising that Jughead’s constant need to have food in his mouth is actually a displaced desire for freckled, un-circumcised All-American cock – it’s an obvious assumption. One need not even bring up his constant rejection of female companionship! The verdict is in – but will Archie feel the same way? I guess we’ll find out as this tumultuous love square comes to its explosive climax in the coming months! Until then, here’s what Jughead has to say in his official blog on www.archiecomics.com.

Jug Here-
Arch, it would be an honor to be my best pal's best man.
When is the rehearsal dinner?

What do you think? Who does Archie belong with? Will the eternal forces of War conquer Archie’s front line and force him to succumb to a lifetime of ball gags and fat bank accounts? Or will the light of Grooviness shine down on our hero’s red head and show him the way to the Cosmos? Or will the carnal taboos of church-pew sodomy stain the wedding buffet with the Semen of forbidden love? Vote and let your voice be heard!

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