by Vince Ynzunza
I am pro-War and I am pro-Sodomy. I am anti-illegal immigration and I am the Anti-Christ. I am the Psychedelic Conservative.
Traditional conservatism is a political and social philosophy that seeks to preserve a standard way of life – and one that resists radical and untested social change. Psychedelia is the blending of a hallucinatory vanguard with an esoteric understanding of Nature’s unchanging laws. The Psychedelic Conservative is therefore subservient to and aware of the whole of Natural law – and resists any foolish idealism that would seek to usurp it. I am the fixed center of the circle. I am Ronald Reagan on acid.
To be wholly Democrat or Republican is to be inept – for they are both illusions. Democrats hate nature. Republicans hate nature. Both political philosophies require you to choose one aspect of Mother Earth – and to refute it. Liberals hate strength – they tremble with stoned rage at the idea of one individual being born with more talent or privilege than another. And as a result they impose Draconian “equality” laws that would make Adolf Hitler buy stock in Nag Champa. Neo-Cons hate the carnal – they wear Hanes underwear with the dick-holes sewn shut. They fear the Pagan and his erogenous freedom. The list goes on and on for both sides. To identify with one is to choose just one side of the same urinal cake. This is the nature of all political philosophies – what I offer to you is the anti-politic, a non-philosophy, an all-encompassing acceptance of life and death.
The Psychedelic Conservative is a true environmentalist. The inside of Man mimics his outside world and requires only that primordial commandment to live an accurate life. As is the nature of the world, so is the nature of humanity. Man, in his greatest capacity, is a predator, where the tooth and claw of the primal world is merely replaced with imperialism and cultural and intellectual oppression. This act of aggression is the greatest expression of nature – to be truly Green is to paint the world Red. To save the world, and oneself, one must remove their carbon footprint from the floor and plant it squarely into the crotch of their enemy.
Sexual freedom is groovy. Heteros, homos, furries, polygamists, trannies, grannies, daddies, bears, and stump fuckers are all honored within the mind of the Psychedelic Conservative. The orgasm is Holy – it is a living artifact – it is the signature of God. Those who deny the sacramental authority of physical love, deny life.
The Psychedelic Conservative respects all national borders – as well as the laws that protect them. Geographical lines of division that separate nations are healthy manifestations of Man’s innate tribal instinct, with the dominance over these lines being an expression of a nation’s innate strength and solidarity. A good country should be like a hot night club – if you’re not on the V.I.P. list, then there’s a grocery mart down the street that sells $2 Schlitz. Irrational liberals who yearn for a world without borders are like venereal repositories who have never seen a condom.
Much like political ideology, the Abrahamic religions are an anathema to rational thought and natural law. Christianity, Islam and Judaism are abominations which have fettered Man’s true potential. Their respective idols are iconoclasts of mental disease and squalor. Jesus was a wimp, Mohammed is a neurotic vampire and Mel Brooks hasn’t made a good film in years. The Psychedelic Conservative supports religious discrimination in all areas of public life; no Mosque at Ground Zero; no Synagogue on the Gaza Strip; no Evangelical Missions to Sierra Leone. Oh, and Buddhism sucks too.
Oppression is synonymous with Nature – as long as life exists, there will always be glaring and “unfair” disparities between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have-nots’. Progressive liberals and neo-cons alike have both sought to upset this balance to varying degrees of annoyance; the liberals whine and scoff under the banners of “social justice” and the ACLU, all the while ambivalent to the irony that once “white male privilege” is banished from the earth, it will merely be replaced with (fill in the next most aggressive race) male privilege; neo-cons seek refuge in pedophilic churches and temples and wax cowardly towards a limping savior who will return someday to flip the hourglass over and establish the meekest among us as the benefactors of an undeserved palatial reward. The Psychedelic Conservative wastes not a second of his time with such acts of spiritual and social masturbation – rather, he ascends beyond the roles of oppressor or victim and assumes that of the Cosmic Pimp; a cunning marvel who benefits directly (be it for monetary, humorous or carnal gain) from this oppressive sideshow. The Cosmic Pimp is a clever opportunist of social culture; whoring its dark underbelly like a gardener choosing the ripest tomato. Sexism, nationalism, and racism – rather than being viewed as social diseases - become opportunities for laughter and profit. It is widely believed that one day Mankind will make contact with some form of extraterrestrial life or intelligence. It is also believed that on this monumental occasion, the sins of humanity will be washed away in the light of a new celestial brotherhood and that the black man will take hands with the white man and play footsie with the yellow man and that Pomeranians will give blowjobs to Siamese cats and that the DNA of the cosmos will sing Kumbaya around the inter-dimensional campfire. This sentiment being only half-bullshit, The Manifesto of the Psychedelic Conservative will now take this opportunity to copyright the term ‘Space Nigger’ – to be adorned on t-shirts and bumper stickers the world over and to finally unite through capitalism, the economies of the ironic hipster and the crypto xenophobic redneck. We are the World.
In conclusion, Psychedelic Conservatism is a concise and timely synthesis of the teachings of War, Semen and Grooviness made palatable for political and heroin junkies alike. The Psychedelic Conservative is the head mistress of existence, a shepherd to the bleating dunderheads unaware that they’re all sucking the very same cock. The Psychedelic Conservative blows the mind of reality – and swallows its protein with a smile.
- Vince Ynzunza